| 031: (backdated) Wednesday, May 2, 2012: 9AM PST |
[Thursday
May 3rd, 2012 at 12:40pm] |
[private]
May 2, 2008.
If I hadn't screwed it up, today would've been our fourth wedding anniversary. I really want to go out and get drunk and dance the night away, but I can't do that anymore. I'm a mother. Samuel is relying on me to take care of him.
Not that I'm breast feeding. I never really got the hang of it. I know that formula isn't as good for him, but I didn't have to patience to keep fighting him. Formula is easier. That probably makes me a crappy mother, but I don't care.
This day is fired. I'm crashing as soon as the baby does.
[/private]
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| 030: Sunday, March 25, 2012: 6AM PST |
[Sunday
March 25th, 2012 at 10:13am] |
So... giving birth is hard work.
STILL exhausted.
Of course, that might change if I didn't have a perfect little bundle of joy waking me at six o'clock in the morning.
Parenting is hard work. Who knew?
In other news, someone bought Samuel this really kick ass onesie. The package wasn't signed, but I think I know who sent it I really appreciate the gift.
[Sean]
Thank you. I hope you are well and safe. Don't work too hard.
Also... Samson misses you.
[/Sean]
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| 029: Tuesday, December 6, 2011: 12PM PST |
[Tuesday
December 6th, 2011 at 8:07am] |
So… pregnancy update… since I kind of fail at this journaling thing...
I'm about 25 weeks pregnant.
I've gained 17 pounds.
I feel massive, but fat women people assure me that is not the case.
We are having a BOY! (David or Ellie might have already told you guys.)
He's not really moving around a lot. (The doctor assures me that this is normal.) I think I might have felt him bounce around a few times while I was on the cruise, though. I'm not 100% sure.
Speaking of the cruise… I don't think he liked being on the open sea. I've been over my morning sickness for a while, but I found myself hugging the toilet on a regular basis while I was on the ship.
Well… that's what's going on with me. What's going on with you?
[David]
I'm so glad I'm home. I missed you far too much while I was gone.
Maybe he'll kick again… assuming he was kicking on the ship. It might have been gas.
[/]
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| 028: Tuesday, October 25, 2011: 10AM PST |
[Tuesday
October 25th, 2011 at 11:29am] |
[blocked from Sean]
Most of you have probably already heard, but… I'm pregnant!
It's an understatement to say that it was a bit of a surprise, but David and I are very happy.
According to the doctor, I'm around 18-19 weeks. She has scheduled an ultrasound for November 8. If everything goes according to plan, we'll be able to find out if we're having a boy or a girl. I think I'm having a girl. I don't know why I think this, but I keep using feminine pronouns. We'll see, I suppose!
I've been taking far too many days off of work since I got pregnant, but I really can't help it. For example, I didn't sleep at all last night. I just couldn't get comfortable. I finally fell asleep around 5AM. As you can imagine, that meant that I was exhausted when I got up at 7AM. I tried to go to work, but I was sent home because I was literally falling asleep standing up.
I haven't gained much weight… 10-11 pounds. I can definitely see a change in my body, though. To be honest, I don't think this minimal weight gain thing is going to last. I'm starving 98% of the time.
Anyway… babbling… I think I'm going to go back to sleep for a little while.
[/block]
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| 027: Saturday, August 6, 2011: 3PM PST |
[Saturday
August 6th, 2011 at 5:13pm] |
[private]
I can't fucking believe this… I'm pregnant. I'm fucking pregnant.
I know that I'm supposed to be happy, but I'm not. I'm not happy. I'm not ready to be a mother. I don't want to have kids. I like that it's just us. I don't want a baby to get in the way of that. I don't want to be woken up in the middle of the night. I don't want to be pulled out of his arms because there's a crying thing wanting me to put my breast in it's mouth.
I know I'm being selfish, but I don't care. This is NOT what I want.
I can't believe I let myself get knocked up. I've been fucking for years, and I've never done anything like forget my birth control. How am I this fucking stupid? I don't even know how long I was off of my birth control before I realized that I missed my period.
The best part? David is happy. He's thrilled. Which means, of course, that I can't tell him how upset I am.
I'm going to get fat and ugly and it's stupid. Pregnancy is stupid. I don't want this. If I wasn't married, I'd get an abortion. Again, I know that's selfish, but I don't care.
I don't want Ellie to know that I'm being so selfishly annoyed over this.
[/private]
[David]
If it's alright with you, I'm not ready to tell our friends and family. You can tell whoever you want, of course, but I've read that it's better to wait until you've made it through the first trimester. You know, in the event there's a miscarriage.
What do you think?
[/David]
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| 026: Monday, July 25, 2011: 12PM EST |
[Monday
July 25th, 2011 at 10:42am] |
[private: readable by Ellie]
So... when I got up this morning, I realized something.
I haven't had my period this month. I remember having one around the end of June, but I haven't had one this month. The month isn't over, and I wouldn't be worried, but... well, I went looking for my birth control pills. I was going to see how much longer before I start the ones in the center. Only... I don't remember the last time I actually took a birth control pill. How does something like this happen? How do I just forget birth control? It wouldn't be a big deal, but David and I aren't exactly meticulous about condom use.
My point is... I could be, well... pregnant.
Fuck.
[/private]
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| 025: Thursday, May 12, 2011: 4PM |
[Thursday
May 12th, 2011 at 4:21pm] |
[private to close friends and family]
I'm married. Again.
I'm sorry for not inviting everyone to the wedding, but we wanted a very small ceremony. I believe Ellie is planning to throw us a small wedding shower once we get home, but it will be a very small gathering.
This goes without saying, but I would appreciate it if you would keep this information to yourselves. I don't have to answer to Sean, but I don't want to give him a reason to relapse.
For now, I'm going to get back to enjoying my honeymoon.
Love you guys. Forgive me for keeping this so quiet.
[/private]
It's a beautiful day. I think I'm going to lay in the sunshine.
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| 024: Monday, May 2, 2011: 7AM PST |
[Monday
May 2nd, 2011 at 6:50am] |
[private]
May 2. Three years.
It's hard to believe that it's been three years since Sean and I got married. It's hard to believe that we aren't still together. We were perfect for one another. I am in love David. I made my choice. I don't regret making the choice that I made. I miss Sean, though. He was my friend for a long time. I always knew that I could turn to him. I don't have that option, now.
David and I are getting married this weekend. I wasn't thinking clearly when I agreed to marry him on May 7. I should've put it off a couple of weeks.
"We'll be okay today, tomorrow, and for as long as we're together."
I hate that I did this to him. I hate that he hates me for what I did. I wish we could get past it. I know that's a selfish wish.
I hope that I don't do the same thing to David. I hope that I don't ruin us because I'm a gigantic whore.
[/private]
I'm not going to work. I need a mental health day.
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| 023: Friday, April 8, 2011: 6PM PST |
[Friday
April 8th, 2011 at 4:29pm] |
[private]
I want to marry David, but I'm afraid.
I'm afraid of what it will do to Sean. I'm afraid he'll relapse or… I don't know. I don't want to hurt him any more than I already have. He doesn't deserve that. He deserves to be happy. If I can't make him happy, I can do everything in my power to keep from making him unhappy.
That is, of course, assuming that he even cares. I'm assuming he does. He wouldn't hate me so much if he didn't, would he?
That's not all I'm afraid of. I'm afraid of what I will do… afraid that I will mess everything up again. I still love Sean. I don't love him the way I love David, but I do love him. What if I do something stupid? I don't want David to ever hate me the way that Sean hates me.
I don't know. I know that I want to marry him, though. Maybe I should set a date...
[/private]
[David]
So… I've been thinking about this marriage thing. What do you think about May or June?
[/David]
[Ellie]
I think I'm going to set a date.
[/Ellie]
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| 022: Saturday, February 26, 2011: 11AM PST |
[Saturday
February 26th, 2011 at 9:09am] |
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I want eggs, bacon, and pancakes... a tall stack of pancakes... like five pancakes... with extra butter and lots of syrup... and the biggest glass of milk in the history of ever. After that, I want to go to the beach. I might not be able to walk, but I'd be incredibly grateful if someone would roll me through the sand. The high is only 53°F, so it's far too cold to get in the water, but I really want to lay in the sunshine.
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| 021: Tuesday, January 11, 2011: 6PM PST |
[Tuesday
January 11th, 2011 at 4:41pm] |
[private: readable by close friends and family]
A very select few of you know this, but I thought it was time that those closest to me were informed.
I'm engaged!
David proposed a little more than two months ago. After some hesitation, I said yes, of course.
This might be asking a little too much of you guys, but I don't want this mentioned to anyone else. From what I understand, my ex-husband is finally sober. I don't want to be the reason he relapses.
I'll let you guys know when we set a date. For now, we're just taking things slowly.
Anyway! Thought you should know!
P.S. The ring is gorgeous.
[/private]
Today is a good day.
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| Wednesday, October 13, 2010: 2PM PST |
[Wednesday
October 13th, 2010 at 11:34am] |
[private: readable by very close friends]
I've been divorced for nearly a year, but I somehow made it onto the pages of a rag mag. You should see the things they're saying about me.
Sean was in rehab. I would be inclined to think that was a lie, but it really fits. He completely disappeared for a while. Some of his friends seemed to know where he was, but they were making sure it didn't get back to me. I heard nothing from him. Then, when I did, he was livid.
This is all my fault. You realize that, right? He started using because I left him. If I hadn't left him, he would be fine.
From what I understand, he's staying in New York with some girl. I'm not jealous. Yes, I am. I just hope she's good to him. After me, he needs someone that will be good to him.
A guy from TMZ caught me when I left for lunch. He asked me if I knew that Sean had given up on music. They'll probably air the clip. I was obviously surprised. I thought these guys usually remained pretty impartial, but he must be a Sightless Sins fan. He told me that it was all my fault. He told me that Sean is working in a fast food restaurant or something. I don't know what to believe, but he was completely serious when he told me that Sean had no intention of furthering his musical career.
I don't know how to make this right. I didn't want to do this to him. I knew my decision was selfish, but I was in love with another man. I had to leave him. I made the right decision for me. Why can't he see it was the right decision for him, too. The things he calls me... if he's thought that all along, why was he with me to begin with?
I think I'm going out for drinks after work. I need to get drunk.
[/private]
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| Friday, September 24, 2010: 9:45AM PST |
[Friday
September 24th, 2010 at 11:59am] |
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Going out. Don't know when I'll be home. Don't wait up.
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| 018: Tuesday, September 7, 2010: 4PM EST |
[Tuesday
September 7th, 2010 at 3:51pm] |
[private: readable by David and Ellie]
He's alright. He's... alright. I've been so worried about him, but he's alright. He still hates me, of course, but he's alive. I wish he didn't hate me, but I get it. He should hate me. I left him. We were supposed to be together until death, and I left him. If I was him, I would hate me, too. I just wish I could have him back in my life. I still love him. That's selfish, though.
Don't do anything for dinner. I'm bringing Chinese.
[/private]
Mmm. Chinese and grape Kool-Aid. I can't wait.
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| 017: Tuesday, April 20, 2010: 12PM PST |
[Tuesday
April 20th, 2010 at 11:39am] |
[blocked from Sean]
Well… it looks like I'm going to be spending the next several weeks in New York. David begged me to stay, and I really didn't want to leave. In all honesty, I would consider moving back to New York if David wasn't planning to transfer. I'm beginning to hate Los Angeles. Ellie is the only thing keeping me on the West Coast.
It's almost as if my dad has an endless supply of smart comments. The other day, he actually said I told you so. I felt like I was having a conversation with a 12 year old. Apparently, he knew that I was going to fuck around and ruin my marriage. He didn't say it in those words, but that was the impression I got. Whatever. I made my choice. He can shut the fuck up.
I think I'm going out tonight.
Ollie, are you interested in coming with me? It's been far too long, my friend.
Shane, I'm claiming one of your nights later this week.
I really want to dance.
[/block]
[Sean]
Ellie will be coming to get Samson.
[/Sean]
[Added after this.]
[David]
I'm going to have to go home tomorrow. Can you take me? If you can't, I'll book a flight. I'll come back. I just have to pick up Samson. Sean won't let Ellie do it. He can't be mean to be if she picks him up.
[/David]
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| 008: Wednesday, May 6, 2009: 4PM EST |
[Wednesday
May 6th, 2009 at 3:46pm] |
SO! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME! WELL... me and Ellie. We are twenty-two today. Ew. We're getting old. Can I just stop aging, now? Nothing exciting happens after twenty-one. It's... DISAPPOINTING! What do I have to look forward to, now? Lower car insurance rates? SOOO not a fan.
Columbia starts taking final exams this Friday. It's... strange not to be worried. Usually, I'm cramming like a mad woman and praying I will pass. Not this year, though. This year, I've actually gone to class and paid attention. AND... I'm not worried. I've read over a few things and I just feel... prepared. It's strange... but nice. It took me until my last year to get here but... meh whatever.
Graduation is May 20. I'm looking forward to that. Shane mentioned throwing me a graduation party. I'm assuming all the frat boys will be in on that. Is it bad that I've had sex with almost all of them in the past? Nah. I love my past. It made me who I am today.
ANYWAY! I'm... graduating! It's crazy.
David. Are you free to go to dinner with me tomorrow night? I'm making tonight all about Ellie and I, but I'd like to spend a little time with you if I can.
So... TWENTY-TWO. Ew. I'm getting old!
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| 007: Friday, April 3, 2009: 6PM EST |
[Friday
April 3rd, 2009 at 6:18pm] |
Spring break was enjoyable. Cancun was amazing. Unfortunately, it didn't last nearly long enough. I felt like I had to turn around and come back to New York far too quickly. Classes are already back in session. It's just... deeeeeeeep siiiiiiiiiiiigh. Know what I mean?
Is it May, yet? I'm beyond ready for a little Los Angeles weather.
[private: readable by Ellie]
I still can't believe we got into a fight. It was completely and utterly ridiculous. I mean... I understand. I suppose I wouldn't want to watch him dance that way with another woman. Not that Sean goes dancing all that often. That's why I told him I wouldn't go dancing anymore, though. It's just not worth it. Fighting with him over something like that isn't worth it.
Those nights with Ollie... well, that was the only fun I've been allowing myself to have. I don't trust myself with anyone else. I know that Ollie wouldn't let me do anything I would regret.
Sean and I have apologized and we've made up, but it's still... I don't know. I can't stop thinking about it.
Two more months. Not even a full two months.
[/private]
I would say I've grown a lot in the last year. Before, I got married, I couldn't go twenty-four hours without getting laid. After I got married, I felt as if I was being tortured if I went a week without getting laid. Now, though, I've been back at school for nearly two weeks, and I don't even miss sex. Strange, right?
Ellie... want to watch a movie tonight?
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| 006: Thursday, March 12, 2009: 3PM EST |
[Thursday
March 12th, 2009 at 3:27pm] |
[blocked from Sean and anyone that would tell him]
He doesn't miss me. He says he does, but it's just words. He doesn't mean it the way that I do when I say it. If he missed me half as much as I missed him, he wouldn't be able to stay away. If he missed me even a quarter... if he did, he'd be in New York every weekend...
I'm miserable. I want to go home.
[/blocked]
[private]
I've been missing David, too. I've thought about going to see him. I thought about... things I shouldn't think about. He really loved me, you know. He really loved me and I completely screwed it up.
I'm not saying that Sean doesn't love me. He does. I know he does, and I definitely love him.
I don't know what I'm saying.
[/private]
I'm going out tonight. Fuck class. Fuck... everything. I'm going out. I'm going to get completely wasted, and I'm going to dance. I'm tired of feeling this way. It's going to stop. This isn't me.
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| 001: Wednesday, November 19, 2008: 9PM EST |
[Wednesday
November 19th, 2008 at 1:49pm] |
I am going completely and utterly insane. School. Dorm. Dorm. School. School. Dorm. Dorm. School. The only thing I do is go to class and come back to my dorm. You think I'm kidding or exaggerating but I'm not. I haven't been going to parties or... anything. I spend my time in my dorm doing... nothing. Seriously, Ellie has had more of a social life than I have. I'm going.... stir crazy. I feel like if I don't do something, I'm going to explode.
On top of it all, I haven't had sex in months. Months! I haven't been touched by anyone other than myself in nearly... three months.
I'm tired of sitting at home and I'm tired of masturbating. One of those, I can't really do anything about. The other? I can.
I'm going out.
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| 26 |
[Wednesday
May 28th, 2008 at 9:43pm] |
Interesting.
Would you take a look at that?
I'm on Maxim's Hot 100. Not just on it but... in the top 20.
That's.... insane.
Not that I'm not pleased. I am. It's just... odd. One marriage and suddenly there are people stealing pictures of me at the airport and I'm in a magazine... or several.
I hear Cosmo wasn't thrilled with Sean's "downgrade" from 2 to 13. Screw 'em. After that, I might consider canceling my subscription.
In other news, we have ten days to put the finishing touches on this wedding. It's kind of exciting! In ten days, I'll be Mrs. Sean Ratcliff... again. Without the hangover, if all goes according to plan. I think we have most things figured out, so, no stress. I refuse to turn into a Bridezilla.
Which, while we're on the subject? That is an addictive show. All these pretty little princesses throwing hissyfits when things are OMGOSH PERFECT? What isn't fun about that?
[blocked from Sean and anyone that would tell him]
I've wracked my brain for a wedding gift. With him, it's always best to go for sentimental over materialistic. Do you think it would be stupid if I used his studio and recorded my own cover of Halo by Bethany Joy Lenz?
Obviously, it would be for only his ears... and whoever will help me record it. I'm not trying to make money, here... just do something sweet for my husband.
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